Monday, 7 July 2008

Finally recognising how little hope I have

The letter I received today from RMIT after a month of waiting really makes it so clear to me that I have no hope of getting the job I need to be able to live a reasonably independent life. Their statement that I am dangerous to their staff's security really proves what I have been denying for years.

The way in which I reacted to not being allowed to enter their premises and even to losing a phone I had been over-eager and impatient to get back really shows me an inherently violent and egocentric person. Moreover, I am finally coming to realise that I always will be violent, egocentric, and unable to deal with being hurt or feeling unfairly treated in any way other than the most violent. The clearly show fact is contrary to what people who know me even for years believe - they see me as a gentle, peaceable person. Such a gentle, peaceable mask to try and gain public acceptance really cannot last and I am not so over-optimistic to think I would become a peaceful, empathetic person if I tried hard enough.

My (genuine) enjoyment of reading about peaceful and selfless people actually amounts to the most extreme form of envy possible. Whilst I do wish I could be less violent and more concerned with other people, I am not foolish enough to see this as in any way possible no matter how much I try. Even when I grab and assault other people, I do try not to be violent and am desperate not to cause injury.

The problem lies in the fact that I cannot and never will be able to judge how things affect other people and feel only what effects me: if something hurts me enough, there is no way I can think about whether fighting by any means possible, including threats to kill, will hurt the other person if I could theoretically get what I wanted at immense cost to the other person.

The whole problem with this is that on one level I know I will have to get a job merely to deal with the time when my mother can no longer support me and my pension disappears. On the other hand, I now know for sure that I am, as the RMIT letter says, inherently too violent and unpredicatable a person to be employable for anyone. If anybody does not give me what I want I know I could give them terrible bruises and possibly even something worse than that. Worse still, I am aware that it is unlikely that in such a situation of panic I will ever learn any response but physical fighting.

1 comment:

Edmund said...

Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick, says Proverbs. I had that for ten years, and the scars will never go away--but it made for a tougher, stronger person.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up. To remember Churchill's commencement address.